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Sexual Assault Awareness, and the Rest of My Experiences

I have been putting off writing these posts for weeks – well, months now. I get a big ball welling up in my stomach because I hate that I even have to be in this position. Weirdly, each time my mind started drifting to maybe giving up on all of this – another random person would shoot me a message telling me the read my stories and they were sorry. And I know for every one who actually reached out, there’s likely many more who were too scared to contact me. But that means some people heard me.

At a certain point of distance from a person, they cease to be viewed as a real human. They become characters in a plot line, distilled to binary roles of “good” and “bad” or “x vs. y.” One, or two. Like celebrities you hear radical stories of, but you have no idea their favorite color, and you don’t care. Except without the fame, just the subjects of idle gossip and social justice platforms to be for, or against. You pick a side, and you stick to it. But I am not binary, not black and white. I am not all good, I am not all bad. I’m not just a number on a screen.

And I am not what I’ve been made out by him to be.

I knew precious little about sexual assault before my own incident. I had my assumptions and opinions; when you said “rape” I pictured a dark alley with a knife held to a woman’s throat. Heck, I didn’t even know oral sex “counted” as rape. I was downplaying the bodily violation because I had been conditioned to. Though the effect was plenty severe. But violent assaults by masked men in the dark – that’s not the reality of sexual assault.

I could sit here through my tears and recite a plethora of statistics to you:

80% of victims are raped by someone they know, not strangers.

One third of rapes are committed by a current or former partner (boyfriend, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.).

Every 68 seconds another American is sexually assaulted.

Only 11% of rapes involve the use of a violent weapon.

Only 2.5% of rapists are incarcerated.

The violent rape in the alley – that’s actually quite rare. What’s more common are situations like mine, non-violent, former partners, who don’t understand consent. But that’s not what I sit here hoping to convey. There are so many stigmas around sexual assault that I wish I could wave a wand and demystify. That my rape wasn’t “violent” so it wasn’t really bad. That it was oral sex, and he didn’t stick his dick in me, so it’s not “real” rape. That I’m just playing victim for attention, or jealousy, or what have you.

But I’m not sitting here writing because I want attention to my own personal case. I’m sitting here and speaking because it’s the only action left to me that might make a change. That might impact someone. That might help someone.

There are many great and amazing resources out there for victims of assault I’ve found out in the few months since my incident. One of them is whom the raffle fundraiser you see the banners around the site for will donate to. But as great as they are, they’re not remotely enough.

I can’t stop rapes from happening with my words. But maybe I can help other victims. And I want to raise awareness, not just for the nature in which many rapes happen, but more specifically what you can do to help victims. And it’s not throw money into a pot.

There’s something I’ve always advocated for as a female gamer in this community, but not on a big enough scale: allyship. It’s such an important concept. And it’s so so absent from so many places. And you bet your ass I felt the lack of it so heavily. So, I’m sitting here speaking from a place of personal experience on what I needed, and didn’t have. In hopes that if you find out someone you know is a victim, you become an ally for them; don’t ostracize them.

Allyship

Allyship isn’t a complicated concept. It’s not blind belief in a victim, and it’s not white knight levels of prostrating either. It’s standing behind someone who is a victim and supporting them on whatever path is right for them. Sticking up for each other, adding your voice when you see something wrong, amplifying someone who needs the help or who would benefit from it. Have each other’s backs and raise each other up.

I was very frank about the collective abandonment of the Balance staff after my assault in the posts here on the site. In truth, they removed my mentorship as a result of the machinations and manipulations of my rapist, but I’ll cover that in the other post. And, because I chose to engage with people asking questions about it in their server, following exactly the same behaviors the admins themselves were doing, suddenly the moderation decision was increased to a full ban. I was silenced weeks after the original decision, because I chose to speak. Which, was the very thing I was trying to point out in the first place that they shouldn’t have done.

I can’t tell you how gut wrenching the collective abandonment has been. I know some users spoke up against their actions – but in the sad reality, it wasn’t anyone with a particularly loud voice. None of the community leaders whom I’ve known for years, the popular streamers, the youtubers who cite this website, the active female gamers, the mentors, the discord servers – all of them were silent.

If you want something to change, even if it’s ugly, you have to see it. You have to speak about it. You have to make it known. I’m shoving these posts in the faces of everyone who visits the website because this needs to be seen. I want people to know how important allyship is for sexual assault victims. And I want people to know what it means to be a true ally, to amplify the voice of someone who needs you.

I am lucky in that I have this platform that hundreds of thousands of players visit monthly. While every other notable voice I knew stayed quiet, I am still fortunate to still be relevant for a few more weeks, long enough for this to be seen. But there’s a knot in my chest for every other victim who doesn’t have this opportunity to be heard. And, there’s a knot in my chest for every community leader who actively chose to turn a blind eye to this issue. I see you. I see you with my rapist still active in your servers, or still communicating and support him, while diminishing me.

This wasn’t a game of he said / she said; he confessed to the rape. And yet, still I’m ostracized and he’s defended.

I spend a lot of time wondering what this all says about me. How fucking awful to be around must I have been that the entire Balance team who previously supported me would turn against me, and actively support my rapist’s lies? Maybe I’m just an insufferable cunt. I know I’m a fucking goodie-two-shoes, and I know that’s fucking annoying that I get on my soapbox way too often.

This is a community of gamers – people who are trying to participate in a reality that’s dissociated from the real world. People who are literally trying to engage in activities to make them feel better. It’s not remotely surprising no one wants to speak out, they’re here specifically to get away from all the other “speaking out” going on all around the world.

And while I get that, it doesn’t work. This community isn’t any more free of politics and victims and marginalization and racism than the real world is. And I know you don’t want to look at it, but these problems won’t go away unless people who don’t want to speak about these ugly things – start to.

Should I have stayed quiet? Look at everything I lost.

One active developer in this community outright told me my posts had no place on this website. “No one wants to see that shit.” Of fucking course they don’t. But how do you expect things to change if they’re not discussed? If they’re not seen?

So often a victim’s voice is drowned out and buried. So so often a victim is placed in a situation where they face only two choices: continue in a world where no one wants to acknowledge what happened to them, or walk away from it all. That has been my situation. Either I leave everything I worked so hard for behind, this game, this site, my community. Or I keep on speaking out about a problem no one else wants to talk about.

No one wants to talk about it. But it needs to be talked about. It needs to be publicized. It needs to spark conversations about what’s right and what’s wrong. And for the love of god the victim needs to know she’s been heard. She needs to know she’s not alone. All of these people I worked with, god I felt so fucking alone.

I incited fear, I know that. Because in sharing my story and experiences, I didn’t hold back on naming individuals who perpetuated certain actions. The funny part was, in all the hate and anger my posts made – not one person sat in their armchair raging at me with accusations of lying. Not one tried to claim my story or experiences as false – all that mattered to them was that I associated someone’s name to the very actions they indeed took. Please take a hard look at that. They weren’t upset that what they had done was wrong, they were upset that other people knew about it now. That I told people what shitty things they had done.

And they feared what else I might reveal. They cared about the exposure, not the actions. Those behind the thousands of messages of support received “got it.” They understood that all I was doing was sharing my story. Meanwhile, those who were named could only see it as an attack on them. “I was attacking this person”, “I was attacking that server.” Completely missing the point that they’re the ones who did these things in the first place, I just wasn’t staying silent about it anymore.

And that’s why allyship is so important. We need to create a culture and a community where we don’t tolerate the types of actions that transpired and proliferated. And the way to end that is to talk about the shitty behind closed doors things that happen. And to give voice and amplification to those things when they do happen, so people talk about it.

I’m not some big streamer or youtuber, I’m just a small woman with a website. But I will sit here and behoove those of you with a voice: do something about it.

How it’s been, and how it’s going

The rest of this post details what’s been going on in the months since my first posts. I share them in the hopes that people see and understand that the stigma isn’t just in the incident, it’s in the fallout thereafter. Just read this and see what happened. And prevent it from happening next time.

There are so many stigmas around sexual assault that I wish I could wave a wand and demystify. That my rape wasn’t “violent” so it wasn’t really bad. That it was oral sex and he didn’t stick his dick in me, so it’s not “real” rape. That I’m just playing victim for attention, or jealousy, or what have you.

People will blindly side with me, because I am a victim.

People will blindly accuse me, because – I don’t know, misogyny, opportunity, greed, disdain of cancel culture, fear of giving victims a voice means their own actions may come to light – fill in the blank.

Neither of these paths are correct.

But the part that I hate the most is that I have to sit here and provide a mountain of evidence to even be believed by the people who knew me before. That people take my rapist’s lies and claims as truth and don’t question it. Don’t ask me about it. Write me off without more than a moment’s thought. The man raped me. The man has leveraged every opportunity available to him to make things better for himself. The man has lied to close friends and manipulated situations to his advantage.

I have to sit here and provide irrefutable evidence – and I still won’t be believed. The 40+ people I worked with for almost 3 years who won’t even ask me my side, I have to go through all of what has happened these past few months just for a CHANCE that I might change something. Even though I know they’ll keep on not listening.

In truth, I don’t have to. But as hard as this is, I also want to.

I’m sharing my experiences, again, for the rest of the community who needs to see it. Because I hope people can grasp what happens to people in my position, and how we can prevent it next time. If you can see the hurdles I’ve had to endure, the new ones now on top of the old ones, maybe it’ll “click” that I’m not just on some soapbox this time. This happened to me. This will happen to others. Be their ally.

If there is one thing you take away from my story, please take away the fact not just that I was a victim, but that my rapist confessed, and people I thought were friends will still take him at his words without even giving me a chance to speak mine.

But I won’t do the same as him. I am not sitting here asking you to believe my claims at face value. I won’t make claims without evidence, either. And just because “I’m male” or “I was nice to you before” or “the other person sounds crazy” or you stand to make some money off of her demise, or insert your reason – I won’t ever expect you to take me for my word. Not like he has, and has succeeded as.

Instead, you’ll find evidence, facts, and context. Please form your own opinions. And please, for the love of the god I don’t think I believe in, don’t make assumptions. I won’t claim to write without emotion or without bias, but I’ll do my damndest to present the truth as uncolored as I can.

Talk to me. My DMs are always open.

I don’t want your pity or sympathy. I want this not to be the reality for thousands of assault victims. Because I am not alone in having to do this. This is the stigma I want to demystify. Why are woman (90% of rape victims are female) so hard to believe in this matter? Why are we written off as some stereotype? I don’t want you to walk away from this thinking I’m playing victim. I’m taking care of my shit.

This is what I’ve undergone in the months since my rape, the attacks lobbied against me, and what a victim has to do if she wants to be believed. Her only choices are to keep speaking, or to leave it all.

And I don’t fucking want to leave. Haven’t I lost enough?

RESTRAINING ORDER

For clarity, no, I didn’t take a restraining order out against my rapist. He attempted to take one out against me. In so doing, he provided a sworn under oath affidavit, and a sworn under oath testimony on the stand. This is what I mean by irrefutable evidence. He was ripped off the stand to stop him from incriminating himself further.

This was a public hearing. It is a matter of public record. And I’m providing pieces of it here. I’m removing his name and other relevant details – not to protect him, but to protect myself from claims of doxing him or anyone else. However, if you’d like to verify any of this yourself you can. As said, it’s public record, so if you’d like to pull the records yourself, just contact me for the details you need to make the request (courthouse, names, docket #, etc.). And as I’ve mentioned before, Blake isn’t Blake’s real name.

If you don’t want to listen, instead of the video you can read the certified transcript of his testimony here. I’m not quite sure why some things seem to differ from the audio so much, so I can only assume it has something to do with the court records process.

I’m starting here, even though this is the middle, because these are matters of court record that directly contradict what Blake has said to others. Meaning, he’s more than willing to lie under oath and penalty of perjury if the situation is advantageous to him. This is not a one time occurrence, it’s just the most irrefutable and legally accountable.

Harassment prevention orders – the type of order he attempted to take out – actually aren’t meant for what he attempts to use it for. They’re truly meant for people in situations like mine to prevent against acts like, well, exactly like what he’s been doing to me, but specifically for urgent need and ongoing actions. Notably they’re supposed to stop any continuing contact, but the point that my lawyer and I never even got a chance to point out, the order was thrown out so quickly, – that at the time of the order it had already been over six weeks since my last form of ANY kind of communication to him or anyone related to him. The order doesn’t clarify what he’s afraid of, it’s hot air that’s needed for the order. “Matters of law” is how my lawyer put it. And to the point, the closing of his affidavit makes it clear what he was after: this was a gag order. He directly requests me remove my posts on my personal profiles. That’s what he was after. And, by taking this out first, he prevents my ability to request one against him. While there’s no legal barrier for me to, my lawyer advised me to not bother as it would just seem retaliatory rather than for protection.

In order to request one of these, you have to sign an affidavit before a judge under penalty of perjury, and can do so without the accused present for a short-term emergency order, with a hearing then set before a judge some days later where the other party gets a chance to present their case. Meaning he could lie to the judge without an interjections to get the initial order  exactly what he did.

I’ll say it again, court records are public records. Below is Blake’s signed affidavit with 18 statements, broken up into some key points, but you can view the full copy here. I’ve redacted names for the sake of avoiding other individuals being harassed, however anyone can request a copy of the court files directly from the clerk’s office here: https://www.mass.gov/locations/cambridge-district-court (but you’ll need some of the information from me, feel free to reach out).

The first statement right away should set off alarm bells for a long list of reasons. Just to remind folks, this is also a message from Blake:

Except, he’s claiming everything is “false rumors” and I’m doing it for “revenge” because he ended our relationship in April. The entirety of this affidavit is constructed around the notion that I was “making this all up.” This isn’t someone interested in the truth, this is someone interested in manipulating the situation for his own advantage.

To keep going, Blake claims he ended our relationship in April, despite me very clearly asking for it to be stopped back in February (you hear my lawyer bring this up in his cross-examination). Notice, too, that he doesn’t put an actual day with the “April” date. If pressed, there is only one date he could provide to claim was the date he ended it, the night of the voice call with he and Rachel which was on April 28.

Now take a look at Rachel’s Facebook profile and notice the date of the commencement of their relationship:

This means, by his own logic, he’s admitting under oath that he was cheating on me for nearly two weeks. Because infidelity isn’t a crime, but assault is. Because it’s better to look like a cheater than a rapist before the court. The irony is that he divorced his ex-wife because she was cheating on him in a similar manner…

I want to keep underscoring the fact that he’ll say whatever is necessary to come out ahead.

To counter some other points he makes:

We most certainly were not intimate through April. I ended that before the assault in February.

He also never communicated to me that he wanted to end our involvement altogether. In fact, his messages right before announcing his relationship were expressing concern over me and talking about plans for our next raid day. And keep in mind this was also about a week before he and Rachel started dating:


As part of the harassment order process, plaintiffs can (and should) submit exhibits to support the claims they make. You can see which ones Blake provided to the court wherever it says (Exhibit #).

But what’s more notable is where he doesn’t provide these. It should be extremely simple to provide things like: a copy of the (non-existent) message he claims to have sent asking me to stop talking to him, or a copy of the messages I sent to his mother, or even a copy of my “threat” to go to the police.

Instead, he only provides exhibits with little actual context to support his claims. My suicide note, my blog post, a discord screenshot that only shows “blocked messages” text (missing the context that these cannot be sent unless I was unblocked at the time), and a discord screenshot of someone I know reaching out to him. Notably, only things that only slightly sort of support the claim he tries to assert: that I wasn’t stable – he even makes a point on the stand to say I was in the hospital.

Except the exhibits don’t really demonstrate my instability. I don’t dispute the facts that I posted, and I don’t dispute the fact that I tried to commit suicide. But neither of those constitutes as harassment.

I could skip over more to make this post shorter, but I’d rather provide the mountain of evidence so there’s no room of doubt of just how deeply he’d lie, and to what extents he’d go to put forward his jealous/revenge narrative in an attempt to discredit me.

6 we know isn’t false, he’s admitted to it.

As for 7 I’m going to post the notes I sent to his mother. Keep in mind I certainly was struggling with my own health at the time, while trying to get him help. I won’t claim these sound entirely level headed, but I do want to stress the blatant contradictions from what he’s tried to convince people about them. I am only interested in his safety, I explicitly say to keep me out of involvement, and at no point do I say anything that could be remotely perceived as threatening or harmful. At there is absolutely no mention of wanting to know his location whatsoever. His claim is just a blatant lie, on his sworn affidavit. That’s perjury.

These messages are from an unwell woman still concerned about the health of someone else, hoping his mother could help him where I could not. I’m not dismissing my actions in messaging her, I just want people to understand the full context.

Notice how in the affidavit he doesn’t actually provide these messages to prove his claims? Even though he clearly provided other screenshots? Odd choice? It’s because I didn’t demand to know his location, didn’t want to be involved, certainly did not lie about the assault, and just wanted to get him help.

On to the next ones:

It wasn’t a threat, but again he doesn’t provide the message itself. Isn’t that a weird choice? And, in that message, I actually do give him a link to the types of programs that would help him, so there was specification.

He’s right that I did keep messaging him, about my day, pictures of apple trees, sorting through my feelings, hopes that he’d get help…

And, most importantly, I went to the police of my own accord. What has been proliferating among others is his claim that I set this up to force him to keep in contact with me. It doesn’t really make sense to claim it was a “threat… unless I meet her demands” if the thing he’s claiming I was using as leverage for the threat (going to the police) was done independently of whatever he did. After I told him to get help, I decided a few days later, without a response from him, that I needed to do the right thing and file this police report. In so doing, there was no “hold” left. But still he goes around claiming I did it to try to force him to keep in contact. That just doesn’t make sense.

This is another example of a misdirection tactic:

He doesn’t provide the messages, only a screenshot of the “blocked messages” count. He claims there is one reply from him, asking him to stop. This doesn’t exist and never existed. He directly contradicts himself under oath. He says the app will “glitch” if over 200 messages are sent without a reply from the other person – and then claims he did send a single reply. Wouldn’t the app not glitch as he’s shown, then? He didn’t communicate with me at all after I informed him I had gone to the police. I had no idea if he wanted me to stop messaging him or not. He very clearly says “one reply from myself, asking her to stop.” — again this is on a sworn affidavit. But this message doesn’t exist and it wasn’t provided, when it arguably should’ve been easy to do so if it was real. 

His closing remarks make it clear what he’s after here: he’s not being harassed, he wants a gag order. He wants to silence me. Me posting about my story, sharing my experiences, those are my first amendment rights. And I’m not saying that to be patriotic, I’m saying that because the judge said it.

Harassment Prevent Orders are granted when the party in question is fearful of the harm and harassment they perceiving being inflicted on them. But when Blake submitted this order, I hadn’t had any direct contact with him in over 6 weeks. There was no threat of harassment, the “pain and suffering” he claims is coming from my “false accusations” that he himself has already admitted plenty of times over did in fact happen.

I prepared all of this, and more, in a 40 page document of evidence to bring to this hearing.

And I didn’t use an ounce of it. The judge vacated (threw out) the order right after Blake got on the stand to testify, you can listen to it above. He read a copy of the apology messages he sent to me, confirmed under questioning that “she had asked for a pause to the relationship” claimed the incident was a “sexual encounter she later regretted” and they ripped him off the stand before he incriminated himself further.

The judge actually stops him from incriminating further. You here him state to his lawyer multiple times that “[Blake] is making admissions.”

But you don’t have to take my word for it, here’s the audio, here’s the transcript.

None of this is me “saying things to make myself look better,” this is public record. It’s not something I’d be stupid enough to lie about. But here’s someone’s heavy projecting so she and he don’t look as bad:

This is what they do. Over and Over. You don’t have to take my word for it, I’m not twisting damn thing. But if they point the finger first, no one will see that they’re the culprits themselves. .

He made me relive the intimate details of my trauma and suicide, made me appear in court to defend myself, made me see my rapist in person again – in an attempt to get me to stop talking about what he did to me.

What he admitted he did to me.

He tries to claim on the affidavit that they’re false allegations.

And then on the stand affirms the actions in his sworn testimony via his apologies. The judge stops him from going further, states multiple times that Blake is making admissions [under oath] and tells his lawyer to stop him going any further.

And this is the person many community leaders would choose to believe and keep talking to.

But with those documents posted, let me go back to where his narrative began.

Fabricated Message

I have been keeping one aspect of my life as far away from Final Fantasy XIV as possible. And Blake knew how fiercely I’d shield him from this community, and how much I cared about him. Blake leveraged that to his narrative to spin the “jealous ex” narrative, knowing I wouldn’t come forward wanting to contradict it and bring this person into the mud-flinging mess.

The reality I’ve been protecting is that I broke up with Blake to restart my relationship with my best friend, whom I’ll refer to as Jam in this post. Blake knew this was the reason I asked for us to pause. Blake even knew this was looming for months before I broke things off; that I wasn’t happy, and that Jam wanted to try again. And Blake knew the reason I was asking for a pause with him was because I needed someone who could keep me safe in the ways Blake was clearly unable to. He knew I was leaving him for someone else. It wasn’t black and white. I so badly wanted Blake to make things work. You can love two people at once. And I couldn’t just cut it off as sharply as I should have. I tried to transition him softly to this reality – and in truth I tried to give him more chances to fix it.

I had broken up with Jam years before for a variety of reasons, but it was Blake who had made me realize how unhappy I was in that relationship. But I was also so adamant about not giving Jam any chances to fix anything, because I wanted something new, ultimately I wanted Blake. And frankly, it was probably that heavy guilt of not giving Jam any chances that made me give Blake so many – far past the point of ridiculous.

But Blake knew how important Jam was to me. Jam moved back in with me, to the house he and I had bought together, after I had kicked Blake out. Blake knew I kept Jam out of all of the XIV stress. And he knew wouldn’t want to expose Jam to any of the ire the community and backlash gives me.

So what’s changed? Why am I mentioning this now? First and foremost because Jam consented to it. I had a lengthy and healthy talk about my potential next steps and he was adamant about me coming forward with the rest of the story. I had told him about the assault sometime at the end of March. And obviously with my suicide attempt, the rest came out. And, honestly, I’m saying this because I’m tired of the slights I keep receiving from people who believe my rapist’s lies. But mostly because if there’s any hope for this project, then that hope lies in revealing the truth of things.

To the point, this whole time from February onward I was recovering from being raped. It wasn’t “losing my boyfriend” that broke me as the story has been spun, it was losing my best friend that did – Blake meant everything to me regardless of me ending our relationship. He had promised me so many times that no matter what happened, he’d always be there for me. Both he and Rachel completely abandoning me, that’s what broke me.

It also took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize what Blake’s actual strategy was. Long after the damage was well and done. And it wasn’t even me who noticed the first and most obvious clue — it was my lawyer who noticed a mismatch between the discord data log I captured before reporting him to the police, and the “document” that was oh-so-kindly leaked of my DMs to Blake in another various attempt to harm me.

Blake had collected all of my DMs and sent them to the Balance team to have me removed from my position, and ultimately the server, without me having a voice to contribute to that discussion. He moved when I was physically silenced and barred by my hospital stay. There’s nothing scandalous in the messages he captured, it’s a woman with a broken heart, betrayed by her two closest friends, trying to make sense of all her emotions. I flip through just about all of the stages of grief and back again. Anger, desperation, desolation, etc. It’s quite sad in a pathetic way to read, to be sure, but anyone who’s gone through a bad breakup can understand it. And not once did I say I wanted him back. Nor was there anything threatening or harmful even remotely suggested.

But why would Balance staff even need to see all of those? And why would they be sent to staff while I was hospitalized and completely barred from all external communication?

The document of my DMs was “leaked” on Twitter not long after my posts were made on this site. At the time I didn’t read it beyond skimming through Blake’s additional notes. Why would I need to re-read all the screenshots when I was the one who had sent them? I knew what it all said.

Or so I thought.

One message in there, just one, was fabricated. I never would have noticed it had it not been for Blake’s the retaliation attempt that came after via the harassment order. In collecting the mountain of evidence to bring with me, my lawyer noticed this additional, completely fabricated message that didn’t match up:

Isn’t that just a bit too convenient? Doesn’t it sound like exactly the sort of thing he’d want to hear to bolster his own ego? Look at how over-the-top it is, and yet fits exactly into the story he’s been spinning.

“She’s crazy and wants me back” makes it a lot easier to discredit someone you raped than, “she broke up with me for someone who took better care of her” doesn’t it?

But this isn’t where the lying began.

Blake, my rapist; and Rachel, the woman whom I confided in about the rape, who was someone who considered me a best friend, who is now dating and living with my rapist; have repeatedly conspired to smear me at every opportunity and grab attention for themselves as soon as I came forward about what they had done. And in so doing, garner sympathy from community leaders like those who mentor, moderate, and administrate the Balance.

First, Blake completely lied and hid our previously ongoing relationship, and the assault, before asking a mutual friend of theirs what he should do about his wet dream with Rachel. That person thought we had been split up for well over a year, and had no idea he had raped me. So, Blake withheld some pretty heavy info to get someone to get an affirmation that what he was about to do wasn’t as extremely shitty as it most certainly was. Because unlike villains of lore, real people still want affirmations of their “evildoing” or whathaveyou.

Immediately after I came forward about the assault, Blake then began a campaign of “that’s just how she was in bed.” Referring to my lack of verbal consent. Not detailing the fact that I had broken off any prior agreements quite clearly, and I ultimately had to post those messages as well just to clear my name. Clearly this is a pattern where he’s taken at his word, and for some reason I have to provide the evidence and documentation. He completely flipped on how apologetic and remorseful he previously claimed to be. 

Then began the twisting of my actions as I tried to get someone I still thought the world of the help he very desperately needs.

This aggressive smear campaign has been to paint me as crazy and toxic. If I look awful and like a spectacle, no one will pay attention to them or that he’s a rapist and she’s dating one. They told anyone who would listen that I was harassing them; wielding the art of knee jerk impressions to avoid telling the story. Some examples:

  • “She contacted his mother on her CORPORATE email account.”
    • I contacted his mother on her facebook when Blake had taken off driving for 10 hours straight when he has a medical condition making long drives potentially fatal (narcolepsy — I’ve been in the car when he’s fallen asleep at the wheel, it’s terrifying). His mother’s facebook profile I had from a year prior when I tried to get his brother to come into down for a surprise for his birthday, I had found the brother and their mother on facebook. The message of concern I sent to her had gone unread, and I was worried about his safety (and that of others on the road). However, the facebook profile kicked back an auto response to her corporate email saying to contact her there. Weeks later, when I still was worried about his safety, when by word of mouth I learned he was exhibiting signs of a manic episode, I gave her email a try. I even specifically asked her not to involve me. I just asked her to reach out to him. What would you do if someone you cared about seemed to be acting extremely dangerously?
  • “She sent him HUNDREDS of messages”
    • Go count how many messages you send to your close friends in a day. A few hundred really isn’t a lot, and this number was from a span of over several weeks. And, notice how he didn’t block me. Coincidence?
    • I hit the send button on messages because I had no one else to talk to and the button worked. It helped me to have somewhere to send my thoughts. A lot of those messages are just me talking about my day. There’s even some pictures of the apple tree in my backyard blooming. But that seems too docile. So, all other people get to see is a “scary number” as he weaves his narrative. Funny thing is, I said multiple times in those messages that I was sure he had me muted. I also asked him multiple times to block me, that it would be kinder. Why not block me if he didn’t want the messages? Unless, you know, it was intentional as something he could use against me later, right? That message he cites someone reaching out to him on my behalf? It was them asking him to finally block me.
  • “She tried to break into his “home” ???”
    • This one is so far fetched it’s impressive to me just because of how well the spin story on it is. Remember that Blake lived with me years ago for about 6 months. And, I have an old chromecast device. I hardly used it, but one night we wanted to watch Twitch on my TV rather than on a monitor. So, I had him set up the google account so he could control the chromecast with his phone and push Twitch to it himself since he was the one following streamers. YEARS later when I finished re-doing my office, I set up this old TV and the chromecast again. It wasn’t letting me control it and told me to “rejoin my home” so I did – thinking it was my home and forgetting the details from literally 3 years prior. At no point did his name or email flash on any of the prompts. Except about 3 minutes later I got an email notifying me -his email- had removed me from his home. And then I hear through the grapevine he’s telling people I tried to gain access to his current home — google context missing.
  • She “threatened” me to go to the police unless I kept talking to her.
    • No. I told him to get into therapy ASAP (in a week) or I’d go to the police. He threatened me that he wouldn’t keep talking to me unless I abided by his rules. From what I’ve been told the two of them have been telling people I tried to use this as leverage to keep him having to talk to me.

I want to establish this pattern of lying and deceit to make it clear how easily people believe what someone has said. I can’t claim to understand why people believe him, but I can point out the manipulation therein. And, I can point out that not one of the people who take him for his word speak to me to get the rest of the missing context.

I wrote him a letter

So, why am I only posting about the harassment order now? When I was so public about events before, why did I wait to share what’s pretty damning and irrefutable evidence of the depths Blake and Rachel would go to lie to damage me?

Two things happened leading up to the harassment hearing: one, as mentioned, was my lawyer pointing out the fabricated message. This clued me into the depths of the narrative and lengths Blake would go to his own ends. And, two, I was still (and am still) being retaliated against and smeared from a variety of XIV community leaders I had formerly worked with. This was important, because I was still getting attacked, and this site was still getting attacked, but I didn’t know where the next attacks would be lobbed from, or whom by. It’s a terrifying position to be in, and frankly I still hadn’t decided what to do with this project.

And I wanted to find out where the next hit was coming. I need to know, so I could better shield myself.

And the only way to do that was to find out who he was in contact with directly, still spreading his narrative, rather than who was just getting information second hand. That list was much larger than I imagined.

So, I fed into his narrative and fed it back to him. The day the order was vacated, I was ready with a letter to him. A letter telling him oh-so-sweetly exactly what he wanted to hear per the crap he’s been touting. Where in the weeks and months since the incidents, I had never made even the slightest implication that I “wanted him back” as he claimed – I cracked my knuckles and wrote out the fiction of who I’d be if I was the stereotype he claimed. I apologized for issues in our relationship. I offered him my home to live with me again, and everything he could have possibly wanted. It was hilariously long too; 17 pages I think? But I knew he would share it. And that’s exactly what I needed him to do, I wanted to know who he’d share it with, so I could protect myself from them. It was just ridiculous enough for him to limit where he shared it to those who sided with him most, but not so ridiculous as to not be believable by them, clearly.

The letter was printed and given back with his apartment key taped to his apartment door; it was only given as a physical copy. This was both because this meant he’d have to go through extra effort just to share it, and because it alludes to the subtext that I “wouldn’t want” it shared.

A bit shitty? It is. I’m not going to say I’m a pillar of greatness here, that’s my point, I’m not some example of “good” vs. “evil. But with a circus of people clapping for my destruction, I was so fed up of waiting for the attacks to come to me. He was lying constantly to others about all of these various points and facing no repercussions. Meanwhile I was literally paying the price for them. I needed to know what else I’d be up against. So I took a page from his own book to arm myself, so I could trace who would call me out about it.

I “hacked his account” apparently

I foolishly thought after all of that, that things had died down; that I would finally be left alone. I figured he had his fill of retaliation and limelight. And out of no where a new claim spins up that I somehow managed to hack his XIV account and delete his character?

Someone want to tell me exactly how the fuck I’m supposedly capable of this? You should see the toothpicks and string holding this site together – I’m not exactly a developer or code savvy – anyone who talks to me knows this. The fact that people could buy into the notion that I could somehow pull this off should be laughable, but instead people believe it. And not just a few.

Also, why? It’s been like 6 months since everything happened – if I’m supposedly capable of this, why now? Why not 5 months ago? Why when I’ve been keeping to myself, focusing on my healing, slowly working towards working on the site again – why would I risk throwing all of that away? It doesn’t make a lick of sense for motive just as much as it doesn’t for technical reasons.

I can’t even fathom what he’s trying to play at, either. Best guess I have is that he heard I was going to reach out to people about working on the site, and wanted to prevent that from being successful? Or maybe the two of them spent so long enjoying the pity party that they just wanted to stir the pot again? I’m really grasping at straws here. For all I know he deleted the character himself so he could have an excuse to stay depressed and jobless (guessing) and mooching off of Rachel for longer, fuck if I know, I do know he’s a deadbeat if someone doesn’t push him. And I do know she divorced her ex for being a deadbeat. And I also know that he’s already captured edited/faked screenshots before for his own motives. It’s not exactly hard to do, and he knows exactly where I live since, you know, he used to live here:

Also keep in mind that apparently it was all ‘no big deal’ to the two of them anyways:

It was just “annoying” and doesn’t really matter in the long run? Which sounds more far-fetched: gaining magical elite hacker powers to access his account, jeopardizing the future of the site that I had started informing people I was working on, and seeking some sort of weirdly petty revenge 6 months after the fact? Or a self-confessed rapist, who dragged his victim back to court to face him, who has fabricated screenshots and done his best to tarnish her projects, made up some new drama to renew the pity party.

And please take a long look at his tweet’s like, reply, and retweet list. There’s about a quarter of the Balance’s current staff of admins, moderators, and mentors. Not only do they believe him. They’re actively supporting him.

And yes, it spreads, I don’t even know who the fuck this is:

For all I fucking know maybe he even got genuinely hacked? He 1) has been outed as a rapist and 2) VERY frequently would engage in RMT (both content sales and selling gil) so maybe he opened himself up to it as a target? I don’t even know why I’m wasting space musing about the possibilities.

Well, I do know why I am, around the time he was supposedly “hacked” the few Balance staff who hadn’t outright ostracized me, suddenly left my community and blocked me – and I was removed from a few smaller close-knit XIV communities I was a part of. No one would tell me why to my face. It wasn’t until weeks later when I was shown the tweets that it clicked. And I found out yesterday one mentor logged in and ripped their content off the site, leaving broken pages. I’m perfectly fine if they want their content removed, but at least clue me in so I can make sure it’s done properly and isn’t detrimental to users, don’t punish them.

I’m so fucking tired of this game he keeps playing. I don’t want to play a game. I don’t want to deal with these strategies and plots and literal ripping away of the people who would talk to me.

I’m so fucking tired that he had the gall to say on stand that he “just wanted to be left alone” when I HAD been leaving him alone and when HE has been spending all this time and energy retaliating against me.

I’m so tired.

Leave ME the fuck alone.

And I’m bitter that I have to sit here typing this, reliving all of these anxiety inducing moments (I’ve rewritten these drafts over months) because when I needed allies, I needed people to talk to me and get the other side from me, they wouldn’t.

I still can’t wrap my head around why he’s so so readily believed, and I’m so quickly dismissed. Is it gender? Is it just that people don’t like me?

Continuing on…

I don’t need you to pitchfork for me. I don’t expect nor want some rallying to my own banner or much-too-late community support. That’s all too far past. And I won’t place an ounce of hope that someone will approach me and tell me they now realize they had it wrong. But you bet their ass they owe me an apology.

All I want, is change. Not for me. I want this to not happen to someone else. That has always been my message. Do better for the next one.

God forbid, if someone else is assaulted, and comes forward about it, I want them to have the loud and vocal allies that I didn’t. I don’t want them to have to fight for themselves and for the truth all alone. You don’t need to take me for my word. You just need to see what experiences a woman faces in this position. Look at the evidence, listen to the court hearing, look at his sworn affidavit and form your opinions. But please, don’t believe the lies of a rapist who only wants to take revenge on me for coming forward about it.

There’s more direct retaliation and more to his narrative spinning in what it successfully produced, but it ties more directly into the Balance, and I need to dedicate a whole post to that. So, read on here if you want to continue…

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For a few more weeks this platform still has relevance to hundreds of thousands of players of Final Fantasy XIV. And while I still have this voice, I intend to use it.

In order for this site to continue, more people need to work on it. Mainly writers. If you think you’re up to the task, please fill out this form:

At the same time I want to raise awareness about sexual assault. So you see the other half of this screen showing the link for a raffle that donations a portion of proceeds to RAINN

There are two main takeaways for readers that I want to get into. But, I know not everyone wants to read everything, nor does everyone care. It doesn’t matter to me what you do. But it does matter to me what I do, and so I will take this last opportunity in hopes of being heard. Both posts overlap in many ways, but I tried to split them for length and relevance.

I also want to use this space to thank everyone for the literal thousands of messages of support and encouragement. I know I sounded dismissive of words from strangers, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t impact me. I read every. single. one. And the sheer volume floored me. And I still get them even now nearly 6 months later. So, thank you for not letting me forget this is worth fighting for.